This Isn't An Apology
by revolution rae
Summary: "I'm not going paint a brave face on myself. I know I'm a traitor." Short Peter Pettigrew monologue.


**Disclaimer:** _Un_fortunately, I'm not the author. If I were, Neville would be the Chosen One, Severus would have gotten Lily, James would have jumped off a cliff, and Draco would have his own series, too:)

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It was an accident, you know? I never meant to do it. I'm not an evil person. Or at least, I wasn't. I mean, I'm in Gryffindor. That alone ought to prove to them that I'm actually an okay guy. But all they see is the mistake I made - when I hurt them. When I **k i l l e d **them. James and Lily. _James&Lily._ They were beautiful people. And I killed them.

That's what Sirius and Remus probably can never understand. I'm not happy that I did this. I'm not _proud_, or _excited_, or anything. I... I hate myself, for doing that. I know I'm a disgusting little shit. I sold them out when they trusted me.

Well, actually, no they didn't. They never trusted me, that's why they made me Secret-Keeper. They never expected anyone to think it was me, they figured they'd be safe because I'd be overlooked. That was so stupid of them, so bloody _**stupid**_. Why would they do that? Why would they think that? They always thought of me as the weak one, they should have known I'd mess it up like always. I'm not making excuses. Just so you know. I'm really not, I know what I did was wrong, and there are no excuses, no reasons, nothing that can ever make it better. I'm a murderer, and there's no going back from that. If I were stronger, like Sirius or Remus or Mad-Eye or really anyone, I'd turn myself in. Get Sirius out of jail, take his place. But the thing is, I'm not that strong these days. I don't want to die. I got over the "life-sucks" phase and now I wanna live, just in case things get better someday. So I can't give myself up, cause You-_Know_-Who would kill me and I can't deal with that possibility. Yeah, it's selfish and evil and awful. I don't care. Can you honestly say you'd do anything different? No. You can't. So don't give me that, okay?

It's not like I was never strong before. No one even _knows_ how strong I was, and that's what _kills_ me so bad. They have no idea. All throughout school, I was silent about it. The abuse I endured at home. And the people at school who messed with me. I mean, I had Remus and James and Sirius to talk to. Some people thought I was just some annoying little tagalong to them, but they're wrong. We were best friends, the four of us. And yeah, I **destroyed** it. I broke us all. But I was already b/r/o/k/e/n anyway, so does it even matter?

I tried to convince them not to make me Secret-Keeper. I told them I wasn't a good enough liar. But James laughed, and Lily smiled and told me I needed more self-confidence. Why would they do that, put their lives in my blood-stained hands?

I was already a traitor at that point. _He_'d already found me and forced me to his side. And I'm not going to lie, I didn't put up much of a fight. We didn't have a chance anyway. I'm not going to paint a brave face; I wasn't thinking of being a double agent for the others. Triple agent? Whatever. I just wanted to survive by then. I'd made it through seventeen years at home with everything going on; it didn't seem fair to die so soon after getting free. You know? Maybe you don't. Never mind that, though. I didn't want to die, but I didn't want my friends to die either. But they made me their Secret-Keeper anyway.

And I'm not going to apologize for their deaths. I **told** them not to trust me, and they did anyway. So it's _their_ fault that they're dead. Yeah, I'm responsible in a way. But it's just as much because of their own stupidity.

So yeah, maybe I am evil after all. But I just can't bring myself to care anymore. So you shouldn't bother caring, either. Don't waste your energy on me, o k a y? I'm just another _stupid_ traitor. And I'll pay for it eventually. I already have to face myself in the mirror. Don't you understand that that's _punishment enough_?


End file.
